So I queried some guy pals with a confidential completely unscientific survey I developed, covering five questions on relationships. All six of the guys came back with salient answers. The respondents range in age from mid-30s to early 40s and none of them has ever been married or fathered kids. All have college degrees.
I asked the guys if they had been surprised when they were smitten by cupid; five came back with a yes. "It may take a while [to fall in love]; we're men, you know. But when we notice the emotions are stronger for one person, then we acknowledge surprise. That leads to actions," Derek said. The only dissenter in this category, Sean, said that he didn't think he'd ever fallen fully in love.
Next I asked what prompted one to fall in love. I sprinkled in several multiple-choice answers such as "she had characteristics I value in a person, virtues like intelligence" and left room for open-ended answers. Five of the six agreed that physical attraction and chemistry play a big role in luring them toward love, but said those characteristics go only so far.
Several checked off more than one answer and added insights. "Physical attraction comes first. Having a hassle-free relationship helps things continue,
but it's similar values that keep the fire burning," Sean said. Physical attraction helps, Jay said, "but I think I fall in love with the person as a whole."
Why relationships end is fascinating stuff, so I just asked for specifics as to why they've broken off a relationship. Most of the six said their emotional needs weren't being met -- manifested by poor communication, according to Derek and too many fights, Jay said.
Bob said his physical needs weren't met but said now that he's older he'd probably express that better if he found himself in the same situation again. Sean said differences in values caused him to break it off. Bill noted a recent breakup in which the woman didn't provide the intellectual stimulation and "two-way emotional street" he desired. Bill also confessed that he's been burned by "cheating lovers."
Next, I asked for opinions on why a girlfriend initiated a breakup. Four of the six guys replied that they couldn't meet the emotional needs of their partner. Mark, Sean and Derek said they've been dumped at least once without any rationale from their former girlfriends.
Finally, I asked what would cause the guys to settle down and make a commitment. Half of the group -- Bill, Bob and Jay -- suggested that shared interests and values would make it happen. Two of the six guys said timing is the thing and another two said the right woman needs to surface.
"I have everything I need except someone to share my life with," Sean said. "The only thing holding me back is finding the right person. I know what I want and haven't found her yet." Derek said he'd want someone who understood him and had a "strong desire to make a relationship grow by design, not by chance." Mark said that if he knew the right answer to the question, he'd no longer be single.
We ladies couldn't have said it better ourselves.
Marcia Jedd, a marketing researcher and freelance writer, is a regular contributor to Single Life.
Her web site:
www.marciajedd.com